I’m feeling pretty beat up these days.
The combination of a body growing older and more feeble-y by virtue of time and the verbal calesthenics of the past few days since my mother’s death has left me tired, cranky, listless, and mopey.
Tired and cranky.
Listless and mopey.
Just trying to make it through the day.
At least I know it isn’t only me that feels this way.
Flossie Lewis, 91 years old, says this:
Just liking someone is a treat because part of being old is to get cranky. There is indigestion and your teeth fall out and suddenly you need hearing aides and you feel increasingly unattractive, and then somebody says, “How nice you look today, Mrs. Lewis! Or, you’re a real kick, Flossie!”
And you feel good about yourself. You pick yourself up and you say, “I’m going to get through it. I’m going to get through it because I have a reason to get through it.”
Of course, the real reason for “getting through it” is always inside us, but without the external support system of friends and family we’ve become accustomed to during our lives, it becomes challenging to keep it together each day, to wake up in the morning with a smile (or least, without a scowl), to eat something healthy, to get some fresh air. Feeling left behind is something that happens to a lot of us as we get older. I don’t think there’s anything that prepares us for it, either. It’s a horrible feeling and I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. It’s one of those “facts of life” that I just plain don’t like. Here, let me throw myself on the floor and have a temper tantrum. That’ll fix it, won’t it?
…and then I get a message or a call from someone who still wants me to be a part of their life or someone brings me flowers, and just like Flossie says, I know I can make it through. I know everything will be all right.
I’m still feeling bashed up and tired but I do know I’m going to make it through.
I really do know it.
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I’m not sure that putting this “old and tired and cranky stuff” out there is the brightest thing I’ve ever done but since this blog is my stream of consciousness, this is what’s going through my stream right now.
“Old” – being old, getting old, just plain old – is really more than just one thing; it’s having an old body or old mind or old spirit. Our bodies age and get old; it’s part of being human on this planet. Our minds and spirits don’t need to be as old as our bodies but sometimes it’s hard to separate the physical from the mental. That’s the part that’s so challenging when we’ve been left behind, when our lives take unexpected turns, when we’re suddenly (or not so suddenly) left on our own without our regular crowd of friends and family around us.
All I want – all any of us ever want – is to be accepted for where I am right now… feeling old and tired and cranky. Maybe someone else can relate and we can be tired and cranky together. And maybe together, we can try to make the day a little brighter somehow. Thank you, my dear readers, for being a part of my life. If there’s anything I can do to help you feel less tired, cranky, and beat up, I’m here for you, as I know you’re here for me.