Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you’re alive, it isn’t. ~ Richard Bach
These days, I’m trying really hard to be positive, upbeat, kind, and pleasant to be around.
And I’m struggling with all of those in this moment right now.
I don’t like thinking about, let alone writing about, the negative stuff, about the crap that happens that I seemingly have no control over, about the “bad things that happen.”
I want to think and write about funny things, about adventures, about coffee, about what’s out there to see/do/experience/feel/taste/etc. I want life to be about those things. I just want to have that every day, all day.
But I guess the truth of the matter is that life isn’t always about those things. (duh!) Sometimes life throws a punch or two and sometimes getting back up after being knocked to the ground is a tough thing to do.
I’ve always been a bouncer-back-up-when-I’m-down but for some reason when I woke up this morning, it felt like I had a huge weight pressing down on my chest – and it wasn’t my physical heart doing it. Lying in the bed in the spare bedroom of my friends in Gervais, OR, I began to cry with great gut-wrenching sobs. And I don’t really know why.
Oh, I can come up with a long list of things, any one of which might be the reason behind why I was so overcome. I can usually talk myself out of every dark mood, every crying jag, every hole that I’ve fallen into, but is having the reason really important? I’m not sure that it is. My left-sided brain thinks that having the reasons will help me to change the situation. My right-sided brain thinks I should just go with the flow, feel the feelings, let it all hang out. Which just means that now I feel like I’m stuck in the middle, pulled equally in both directions, about to break apart in a perfect 50/50 split.
Four days ago, I wrote about the hope that things would be better, that life would improve. Today, I’m having a tough time feeling that hope. Today, I’m tired. No, I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. The bucket of reserves has fallen over and I have none left. I know if I sat down and thought about it, I could write a long list of things that I’m tired of but it would be an unending list because right now, quite literally, I’m tired of just about everything. Because just when I think nothing else can happen, something new comes along.
If what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, then I should be able to bench-press Sasquatch right now. I don’t need any more evidence that I can be stronger than I was five minutes ago.
I’m ready for this all to end.
Mission be damned.
* * * * * * *
Maybe you can relate to the struggles because maybe your life isn’t going the way you think it should either. Maybe you can feel my discouragement, and maybe you think it’s time for your life to ease up a bit, too. I don’t exactly know how to make it better but I do know this: if we support each other, if we pull together, we can make it through anything, no matter how hard or tough it seems at the time. I’m hoping you’ll say a little extra prayer for me tonight, just like I’ll say one for you, if you need it. Together we can make it. I know we can!