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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you’re alive, it isn’t. ~ Richard Bach

These days, I’m trying really hard to be positive, upbeat, kind, and pleasant to be around.

And I’m struggling with all of those in this moment right now.

I don’t like thinking about, let alone writing about, the negative stuff, about the crap that happens that I seemingly have no control over, about the “bad things that happen.”

I want to think and write about funny things, about adventures, about coffee, about what’s out there to see/do/experience/feel/taste/etc. I want life to be about those things. I just want to have that every day, all day.

But I guess the truth of the matter is that life isn’t always about those things. (duh!) Sometimes life throws a punch or two and sometimes getting back up after being knocked to the ground is a tough thing to do.

I’ve always been a bouncer-back-up-when-I’m-down but for some reason when I woke up this morning, it felt like I had a huge weight pressing down on my chest – and it wasn’t my physical heart doing it. Lying in the bed in the spare bedroom of my friends in Gervais, OR, I began to cry with great gut-wrenching sobs. And I don’t really know why.

Oh, I can come up with a long list of things, any one of which might be the reason behind why I was so overcome. I can usually talk myself out of every dark mood, every crying jag, every hole that I’ve fallen into, but is having the reason really important? I’m not sure that it is. My left-sided brain thinks that having the reasons will help me to change the situation. My right-sided brain thinks I should just go with the flow, feel the feelings, let it all hang out. Which just means that now I feel like I’m stuck in the middle, pulled equally in both directions, about to break apart in a perfect 50/50 split.

Four days ago, I wrote about the hope that things would be better, that life would improve. Today, I’m having a tough time feeling that hope. Today, I’m tired. No, I’m exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally. The bucket of reserves has fallen over and I have none left. I know if I sat down and thought about it, I could write a long list of things that I’m tired of but it would be an unending list because right now, quite literally, I’m tired of just about everything. Because just when I think nothing else can happen, something new comes along.

If what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, then I should be able to bench-press Sasquatch right now. I don’t need any more evidence that I can be stronger than I was five minutes ago.

I’m ready for this all to end.

Mission be damned.

* * * * * * *

Maybe you can relate to the struggles because maybe your life isn’t going the way you think it should either. Maybe you can feel my discouragement, and maybe you think it’s time for your life to ease up a bit, too. I don’t exactly know how to make it better but I do know this: if we support each other, if we pull together, we can make it through anything, no matter how hard or tough it seems at the time. I’m hoping you’ll say a little extra prayer for me tonight, just like I’ll say one for you, if you need it. Together we can make it. I know we can!

Are We Done Yet?
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25 thoughts on “Are We Done Yet?

  • April 1, 2016 at 9:39 pm

    Hey you!!! Whether you know it not…you have helped me big time thru the short time I’ve known you!!! Your kind words to me with all that is going on in your world has helped me through many a seemingly crisis. Don’t know what else to say that your one of the kindest nicest ladies I’ve had the honor to be around.!!! Your the best Lois. Stay strong. I need to have more Thai meals and pizza with you this year. Besides, Happy needs your hugs too!!!! Happy n Oakley

    • April 1, 2016 at 9:57 pm

      Oakley, thank you for your words! I mean it when I say we have to stick together. I’ve missed you and Happy, A LOT, this winter. I’m ready for some of that Thai food and pizza, and I’m really missing that big fluffy girl of yours! Goldens are the best, aren’t they? Here’s to hoping that we can have some time together, soon. I miss you two! ♡

  • April 1, 2016 at 10:07 pm

    This post comes to me at a very opportune time, maybe it was fate that I read it! Thursday morning at 6am my 94 y.o. mother slipped peacefully away, and though I am sad for that, I am happy for myself. Everyone that knows me knows I was only staying here for her……even she knew that once she was gone, I would be gone as well. And I will be, boondocking in my van wherever I end up at the end of the day…a little scary, but exciting as well……I will pray that you find peace, and answers.

    • April 1, 2016 at 10:17 pm

      Hi Dave. I’m so sorry about your mother. Blessings to you! Some things come with both sadness and relief, don’t they? Life is such an interesting thing… I know that feelings ebb and flow sometimes, and I’m sure the flow will come back the other direction for me, hopefully soon! In the meantime, I’m grateful for people such as yourself, who are grabbing life with both hands, who are heading out into the scary and exciting things and are making life happen for themselves – because you give me hope and inspiration! Good on ya for following your heart! Thanks for sharing with me (and all of us who read this blog) – good luck to you! Rock on!

  • April 2, 2016 at 6:35 am

    It’s strange how close one can feel to someone far away. Our conversation the other day helped me so much to tune in to what is going on in my life right now. Fearing the future is right on. Wanting to move forward, but not being able to let go of the past. I woke up early this morning wanting to just stay in bed all day and hide from the rest of the world. Maybe that is a little bit how you felt. I got up, turned on my computer and was met by the words of my favorite author and your post. Knowing I’m not the only one helped so thank you for being honest.

    • April 3, 2016 at 12:45 pm

      Hi Barbara! It’s now Sunday afternoon as I write this answer to you and I wish I could say that the words I wrote on Friday are no longer accurate. But that wouldn’t be true. Yesterday started off with the intention to have a relaxing girl-time day with a friend who took me out for breakfast, and it devolved into a day that included my son’s little pug dog missing and another friend’s family emergency; I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning either. I’m still moving in slow motion. And I’m giving myself permission to continue that slowness for the rest of the day. If I was there, I’d give you a great big hug! Thank you for reading, Barbara – my your day be filled with peace.

      • April 3, 2016 at 12:48 pm

        Oh Lois, I’m sending you light and love…may today turn around for you!
        Big hugs

        • April 3, 2016 at 1:13 pm

          Thank you, Debbie ♡ Big hugs to you, too ♡

  • April 2, 2016 at 6:45 am

    You said the magic words at the end of your reply to Dave, Lois. ROCK ON!!! But, to Dave, I send my condolences for your loss.

    I close most everything I write these days with what has become my mantra – live free & be happy. I do my best to exemplify this philosophy. But, here’s a little secret… I’m not near as free as I want to be nor am I always happy. No one ever is. It is a journey in life and there are a helluva lot of huge ruts, deep potholes, dangerous obstacles and idiots along this road. The mission that Bach may have been alluding to might simply be to navigate the road and survive.

    Maybe your, my and other people like us mission is to inspire and lend hope to others. Everyone has some kind of cross to bear. Even when I have the feeling I’m going to collapse under the weight of my own, I’ll see or meet someone else in a far darker place. All of a sudden, as bad as I think my situation is, I realize I’m not only not alone, but usually far better off than the other person.

    It’s good that you are able to write about it. First, it’s a safety valve that allows you to release some of the pressure. Second, it helps others realize you’re as human and vulnerable as they are. Third, you actually may be lifting someone else out of their own dark place (maybe darker than yours). And, fourth, you are revealing your own deeper thoughts and feelings to yourself – getting to know yourself better.

    There are things that get to all of us. Over the years I’ve learned to let go of a lot of crap, release anger and live and let live. I can only be responsible for myself. I’m no one else’s savior. But, once in a while the safety valve goes off, I have to vent and my anger will manifest in a rant. And then I feel better. So, get whatever it is out, Lois.

    I’ve only shared a short time with you, but I value that time and care about you as a friend. I follow you on your journey that has been full of challenges since we met last year. You are an inspiration to me … and others. So, follow your own advice and ROCK ON! We’re here listening and cheering you on.

    Live free & be happy,

    • April 3, 2016 at 1:07 pm

      Ed, I can’t begin to tell you how much your words have meant to me, for far longer than I have actually known you as a living person. I read your comments on the van dwellers forum for a long time before we met in person last year and I began to follow your own blog. You, too, write of your journey and you tell it like it is. I appreciate that.

      I’ve wondered for a long time just what my mission here on Planet Earth is and I think you might have hit the nail on the head: some of us might be here simply to give hope and inspiration to others we meet along the way. I never wanted to be the person that others looked to for that hope and inspiration, but by sharing my story, people have found themselves in the words I write. It’s a wondrous thing to know that we are not alone, and if I could share one thing that has allowed me to make it this far, even without a rudder and often without a motor or sail, it is that we are all in this together.

      Today, I’m going to ROCK ON! Right along with you…

      Peace out ♡

      • April 4, 2016 at 12:23 pm

        Thank you, Lois. I’m humbled by your words and honored that you have found value in my blog. People often ask me why I write. You just answered that question. There is a purpose for each of us. If we follow our hearts and use our minds, we can set an example and be an inspiration for others, most often unintentionally.

        • April 4, 2016 at 12:44 pm

          …and you just gave me the answer to a question that someone posted in a blogging challenge I’ve been participating in – why do we blog? Your words: “If we follow our hearts and use our minds, we can set an example and be an inspiration for others, most often unintentionally.” is exactly the reason why. You rock, Ed! Thank you!

  • April 2, 2016 at 7:13 am

    Let me echo Ed’s comments. Nothing more to add. “This too shall pass!!” I hate that expression when I’m going through a rough patch and YET, when I look back, every one of those clouds lifted and took me back into the sunshine. It’s the not knowing how to get from here to there that weighs us down. Just trust that your strength will come back. Every mountain is climbed one step at a time and you’ve proven to be very good at mountain climbing, Lois. I have faith in you. Give yourself a little time and trust that there is wisdom even in this uncomfortable patch.

    • April 3, 2016 at 1:11 pm

      Marilyn, I’m chuckling out loud because I, too, am not particularly fond of that phrase but at the same time, I know it’s true beyond measure. You are right that mountain climbing seems to be a favorite pastime for me these days, and I often forget to slow down and take it one step at a time. I love to stop and smell the flowers along the way but then I double-time it to make up for the slow-down. Today, I’m going to take care of me and I’m going to trust that I make it through this weird spot in my life, one step at a time, however long it takes it.

      Thank you for your kind and insightful words. I wish you peace ♡

  • April 2, 2016 at 7:25 am

    Keep on keepin’ on, Lois! I’m glad to know that you are out there in the world. I don’t know what to say that won’t be trite or useless, but you are certainly in my thoughts. And I still have that shirt of yours I got from the free pile at the RTR. Thanks for being honest in your blog posts and hugs to you.

    • April 3, 2016 at 12:54 pm

      Blaize, you are so sweet. I’m happy to know you and to have met you along the way in my travels. We do a lot to keep each other’s spirits up and moving forward, and you have certainly done that for me. Blessings to you ♡

  • April 2, 2016 at 8:19 am

    Lois, I’m holding you in my heart. Love, Ella (Mareena)

    • April 3, 2016 at 12:46 pm

      Thank you so much, Ella/Mareena. I appreciate you ♡

  • April 2, 2016 at 8:33 am

    Heartfelt words and feelings here, Lois you are blessed.

    • April 3, 2016 at 12:47 pm

      Thank you, Debbie. I’m blessed to call you my friend ♡

  • April 2, 2016 at 9:08 am

    What a relief your last living situation is over. Seems that our bodies and mind keep it together during the rough times and then only lets itself fall apart after the height of the crisis is over. I think a lot of those tears are cleansing tears for all the past stress, BS, etc. So I say let them come. It will be better in the morning. But i also find the sobbing episodes a little unnerving too. But it’s not like we can squelch them either so we might as well accept them and listen to what the universe is trying to tell us. Hugs. Hope the day after April’s Fools Day brings you many blessings. You are not alone.


    • April 3, 2016 at 12:51 pm

      True words, Kathy – there’s no way to stop that kind of sobbing, is there? It’s very cathartic, too… like our bodies are discharging some negative energy.

      Although being near my doctors for 3 months was a really good thing in so many ways, it was difficult for me to be in Vancouver for a number of reasons. I’m happy to be back in Gervais among friends where life is promising to be sunnier and warmer.

      It was good to see you on your way through – thanks for stopping and making some time in your busy schedule 🙂

  • April 2, 2016 at 3:24 pm

    There is not much I can add to the wonderful heart felt replys your friends have posted. I would however like you to know I am always inspired by you,comforted by you and i will always be in your corner. Hugs and gratitude to you for helping me through the worst 11 months of my life..

    • April 3, 2016 at 12:52 pm

      Thank you for your kind words, Linda. You definitely know what it’s like when life throws a hard ball that you weren’t expecting and could never be ready for. We truly are in this together. Be well, my friend ♡

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