I used to say whatever was on my mind, sometimes even before my mind knew what was on it. I used to say that I could sit back and just watch my mouth work – stuff would come out of it that I had no idea where it came from. I think I’ve mellowed out over the years; I don’t talk as much. I think I think before I talk. I’m not sure I’m doing a very good job of it. Now I don’t talk much at all.
At least, that’s what it feels like to me.
In trying to harness those non-thinking words falling out my lips, I find that I stuff most thoughts that float through my brain and I have no idea what to say anymore. And to compound it, whatever does come out my mouth sounds weird. Weird to me, that is.
Some part of me wants whatever I say to make sense to the person hearing me. Some part of me wants to say things that are “politically correct” and “sensitive.” Some part of me doesn’t want to alienate anyone. I want people to like me. As a result, I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost my voice. I’m speaking someone else’s words. I’m more inclined to just “go along.” Go along. That’s what I’m doing. Going along. When did I start this going along shit?
So, whatever happened to my voice? I feel like I don’t have one anymore. I think the first step to finding it again is to start with the stuff that I know is me. I want to find the voice that belongs to me.
I think there’s a difference between silence and not talking. I’m not talking about talking just to be talking. I’m talking about listening. Listening to the voice inside and then talking. Using the voice that comes along with hearing the voice inside.
I have something to say and I want to say it. For that I need my voice.
Have you ever lost your voice? Did you find it again? How did you do it?
Is your voice lost right now? Do you want to find it?
Have you always had your voice? How do you know?
Do you say things just because you think someone else wants to hear them? Do you NOT say things because you think someone else might not like it? Do you have words inside you that are just waiting to get out?
After writing this blog post yesterday and re-reading it today, I figured out where my voice went. I haven’t lost it – it’s changed from being the voice in my head to being the voice in my heart. I’ve thought that my heart could say what my mind was thinking and it just hasn’t worked out that way. My heart sings and my mind thinks and I think I’d rather be singing.