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I keep saying this over and over to myself a lot lately….just what the hell!?

What the hell is going on in my life?  What the hell was THAT for?  What the hell was that guy thinking when he made that maneuver in his car?  What the hell is wrong with my body?  What the hell is going on in my checking account?  What the hell is my dog barking at?  Just what the hell?

I watch the people I know, especially the people I know, doing awesome things, going terrific places, having a great time, spending money, earning money, barbecuing with friends, growing their kids, feeding their dogs, buying new cars, remodeling old (or new) houses, putting in pools, flying frisbees at the beach, etc. etc. etc.

And here I am, in a fairly sick body, with very little money and no health insurance, with never enough to make it through to the month’s end before there’s no gas in the car and no bread in the cupboard, wondering what the hell….

How did I create this life I’m living right now?  What did I say, do, think that got me here?  What kind of hell have I imagined in my head that has put me here?

And the big question – how do I get out?

What the hell is right….

What am I creating as part of my transformation into a conscious human being that has resulted in this space I find myse;f in right now?  This most uncomfortable, uneasy space that I have no experience with and really don’t like at all….can it possibly be for a reason that makes any sense? Is it just a moment in time, a rip in space, a pause in experience, a temporary swing to the dark side?  Whatever it is, I don’t like it and want it to leave quickly and soon – the sooner the better.

I imagine – in my head, my emotions, my thoughts, my space – the life I am living, the space I am occupying, the adventures I am having, the experiences around me, and none of them look like this!  I wonder if the La Brea creatures pictured the dark murky holes they fell or walked into and wondered if they’d ever get out.

What the hell!?

What the hell…
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