Okay, so I don’t really know what Plan B is but I am working on it. I’m still working on it.
In fact, I wonder if there really is a Plan B – even if we plan for it.
Underneath the name of my blog is a phrase that says “…just making it up as I go” and that’s exactly what I feel like I’m doing. From one day to the next, I seem to have no clue as to where I’m headed next, or what kind of response I’m going to have to any situation or event, or even what’s for dinner tonight. I appear to be lost in a confusion of emotions and thoughts… and it’s highly possible that none of them are reality. Maybe they’re “real life” for me but reality? I’m not so sure.
What I do know is that I’m experiencing a lot of things that I’ve never experienced before. (Just read my last blog post to confirm that!) And because of these new things that seem to be coming at me from all directions, I often feel like I’m a sailboat floating on the ocean, whipping about in the wind (which is sometimes a full-on gale), rising and falling with the waves, with no anchor, no sense of direction, no rudder, no sails, no compass. The larder is stocked, however, and so far I’ve been able to just float around, willy-nilly, hoping that the water underneath me will settle down and smooth out.
It isn’t happening, folks.
I’m actually terrified.
I’m afraid of what’s coming next in my life, petrified that something’s going to happen that I won’t be able to take care of, scared that the only person I’ve ever known that I would die for is running away from me as fast as possible, alarmed that I’ve come this far in my life always knowing what to do next – and now I don’t have a clue.
My melt-down over Mother’s Day really had nothing to do with anyone else except me. (Again, read my last blog post.) Just me. Plain ol’ me.
I’m finding out that I’m human, that I make mistakes, that I’ve made some huge “poor choices” in my life, that some of those bad decisions greatly affected other people (including that person I would die for), that I don’t have a clue what to do now.
The sailboat is not just floating up and down the waves; it seems to be flying into the breakers of waves in the middle of the ocean during a crazy wild open-ocean storm that doesn’t seem to be letting up any time soon and I’m getting completely drenched. I’ve lost my way. I’m free-floating. I’m adrift in the sea of life. I’m hanging on to the side of the sailboat for dear life.
And maybe that’s what I need to let go of. The need to hang on. The need to know where I’m headed. The need to have the answers.
I have operated under the impression that I am defective for as long as I can remember. By being “not good,” I allowed the people around me as I was growing up, my family members, to feel better about themselves because, of course, I was the problem. How could I not be!? I’m defective. It made them the good guys, the ones who couldn’t do anything wrong.
But lately, I’ve been trying to practice “self-love” and “self-care” and “self-appreciation,” etc. etc. etc.: meditating in the morning (every morning), not beating myself up when I’ve screwed something up (like dropping two full plates of turkey/cheese roll-ups at my son’s huge open-house/staff-party/fireworks-viewing/welcome-to-his-new-position-at-the-company-he-works-for that easily had 500 people attending), eating more healthily (more fruits and veggies – you know the drill), walking when I get the chance instead of driving everywhere, meeting up with friends whenever possible, etc. Somehow I must think I’m no longer human or something because I’ve been doing these things to take care of me. Somehow I think I get to step right back into what I’ve always known and loved just because I think I deserve it. And yet somehow I think that “real life” is for everyone else, not me.
But I’m not defective!
And neither are you.
We’re all perfectly fine the way we are. Perfect. We’re all perfect. All of us. No defective people. No defective plans. No defective anything. Mistakes? Sure. Poor choices? Yup. But no defects in us anywhere.
On that note, part of my perfect plan for today is waiting for a call-back from a Medicare representative to try and figure out what my options are (keeping in mind that it takes effect tomorrow!). I’ve been trying to wade through this stuff for months now and I chose an option just to say I’d chosen one. I’m not sure it’s the right one for me. But I have an option chosen. And tomorrow, my perfect plan is meeting with the cardiologist to see what’s up with my heart that’s not working correctly. Between these two things, and the Mom’s Day melt-down, I’m currently a basket-case. I used to be able to deal with the logistics of things like these and now I’m beyond frazzled. But you know what? I’m not defective. I’m perfect.
And so are you.
Right now, I think I’ll go have some lunch, go see some friends this afternoon, go get the boxes from my son’s house that I had sent up before I began the drive back to the NW from California, and maybe stop to see the sunset later this evening (that would be around 9:00 PM tonight 😀 ).
Enjoy your day, thanks for hanging in there with me, and don’t forget, none of us is defective! None! We’re all just fine the way we are.
Now, about that Plan B…