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Okay, so I don’t really know what Plan B is but I am working on it. I’m still working on it.

In fact, I wonder if there really is a Plan B – even if we plan for it.

Underneath the name of my blog is a phrase that says “…just making it up as I go” and that’s exactly what I feel like I’m doing. From one day to the next, I seem to have no clue as to where I’m headed next, or what kind of response I’m going to have to any situation or event, or even what’s for dinner tonight. I appear to be lost in a confusion of emotions and thoughts… and it’s highly possible that none of them are reality. Maybe they’re “real life” for me but reality? I’m not so sure.

What I do know is that I’m experiencing a lot of things that I’ve never experienced before. (Just read my last blog post to confirm that!) And because of these new things that seem to be coming at me from all directions, I often feel like I’m a sailboat floating on the ocean, whipping about in the wind (which is sometimes a full-on gale), rising and falling with the waves, with no anchor, no sense of direction, no rudder, no sails, no compass. The larder is stocked, however, and so far I’ve been able to just float around, willy-nilly, hoping that the water underneath me will settle down and smooth out.

It isn’t happening, folks.

I’m actually terrified.

I’m afraid of what’s coming next in my life, petrified that something’s going to happen that I won’t be able to take care of, scared that the only person I’ve ever known that I would die for is running away from me as fast as possible, alarmed that I’ve come this far in my life always knowing what to do next – and now I don’t have a clue.

My melt-down over Mother’s Day really had nothing to do with anyone else except me. (Again, read my last blog post.) Just me. Plain ol’ me.

I’m finding out that I’m human, that I make mistakes, that I’ve made some huge “poor choices” in my life, that some of those bad decisions greatly affected other people (including that person I would die for), that I don’t have a clue what to do now.

The sailboat is not just floating up and down the waves; it seems to be flying into the breakers of waves in the middle of the ocean during a crazy wild open-ocean storm that doesn’t seem to be letting up any time soon and I’m getting completely drenched. I’ve lost my way. I’m free-floating. I’m adrift in the sea of life. I’m hanging on to the side of the sailboat for dear life.

And maybe that’s what I need to let go of. The need to hang on. The need to know where I’m headed. The need to have the answers.

I have operated under the impression that I am defective for as long as I can remember. By being “not good,” I allowed the people around me as I was growing up, my family members, to feel better about themselves because, of course, I was the problem. How could I not be!? I’m defective. It made them the good guys, the ones who couldn’t do anything wrong.

But lately, I’ve been trying to practice “self-love” and “self-care” and “self-appreciation,” etc. etc. etc.: meditating in the morning (every morning), not beating myself up when I’ve screwed something up (like dropping two full plates of turkey/cheese roll-ups at my son’s huge open-house/staff-party/fireworks-viewing/welcome-to-his-new-position-at-the-company-he-works-for that easily had 500 people attending), eating more healthily (more fruits and veggies – you know the drill), walking when I get the chance instead of driving everywhere, meeting up with friends whenever possible, etc. Somehow I must think I’m no longer human or something because I’ve been doing these things to take care of me. Somehow I think I get to step right back into what I’ve always known and loved just because I think I deserve it. And yet somehow I think that “real life” is for everyone else, not me.

But I’m not defective!

And neither are you.

We’re all perfectly fine the way we are. Perfect. We’re all perfect. All of us. No defective people. No defective plans. No defective anything. Mistakes? Sure. Poor choices? Yup. But no defects in us anywhere.

On that note, part of my perfect plan for today is waiting for a call-back from a Medicare representative to try and figure out what my options are (keeping in mind that it takes effect tomorrow!). I’ve been trying to wade through this stuff for months now and I chose an option just to say I’d chosen one. I’m not sure it’s the right one for me. But I have an option chosen. And tomorrow, my perfect plan is meeting with the cardiologist to see what’s up with my heart that’s not working correctly. Between these two things, and the Mom’s Day melt-down, I’m currently a basket-case. I used to be able to deal with the logistics of things like these and now I’m beyond frazzled. But you know what? I’m not defective. I’m perfect.

And so are you.

Right now, I think I’ll go have some lunch, go see some friends this afternoon, go get the boxes from my son’s house that I had sent up before I began the drive back to the NW from California, and maybe stop to see the sunset later this evening (that would be around 9:00 PM tonight 😀 ).

Enjoy your day, thanks for hanging in there with me, and don’t forget, none of us is defective! None! We’re all just fine the way we are.

Now, about that Plan B…

Plan B – There’s Always a Plan B, Isn’t There?
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16 thoughts on “Plan B – There’s Always a Plan B, Isn’t There?

  • May 31, 2017 at 12:01 pm
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    I identify with everything you have written to one degree or another. You have a lot of questions but you also answered many of them also.

    For myself, I know that when I get to a frantic, anxiety ridden stage where all I think about are my mistakes, my fears, my bad choices, what ifs, it’s usually time for me to give it over. Whether that “give it” is to a higher power, a friend, writing it down with a pen or pencil and burning it, finding a counselor, or all of the above. None of us are meant to live in a constant state of anxiety and fear. For me, part of the issue was being hypo thyroid. I take meds for that and it’s helped immensely. I also take other prescriptions for other chemical imbalances and I find no shame in that. It’s just the same as diabetics taking insulin for the chemical imbalance in their blood. Absolutely no difference.

    Good luck with your appointments!

    Reply
    • June 1, 2017 at 11:40 am
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      I totally agree with you! Giving it over, letting go of the sides of the boat, letting it go – all say the same thing. We really aren’t in control of anything, are we? I know my head sometimes likes to think I can take charge of whatever is going on in my life but when I can let go of the fear, the what-ifs, the frantic notion that I can make anything better than it is at the present moment, all seems to go so much smoother, with so much more ease and peace! I’m super grateful that I don’t get into that fearful place very often… I suppose it’s all about practicing and remembering to let go. Thanks for sharing yourself with me! I love that we’re not in this thing we call Life all alone. Be well, my friend!

      PS. I also agree that there is no difference in any parts of our bodies when they need a prescription. If it helps, do it!!!

      Reply
  • May 31, 2017 at 12:02 pm
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    Hi Lois:

    Wish I had some good advice for you. If I did, about all it would be is “This too shall pass!!!”. You’ve had lots of challenges in the past and you always find your way through. You are a great inspiration to me. I have no doubt you will rise again. Try not to get too far ahead of today and make those thoughts your friend. No, you are NOT defective. You are perfectly normal…….doing the best you know how to deal with days like today. It’s not a day to come up with a Plan B. So best to be gentle with yourself until this day is done and see what morning brings.

    Don’t forget. Alongside all those poor choices, you’ve made GOOD choices for you. Don’t underestimate the good contributions you’ve made to your own and others’ lives. Life is not our failures; it’s the whole dang thing!! and how we touch others’ along the way.

    Looking forward to lots of good news soon.

    Love,
    Marilyn from Canada

    Reply
    • June 1, 2017 at 11:47 am
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      Hi Marilyn! You have been my cheerleader from the very first moment I met you. Thank you for your kind words and your gentleness of spirit. I appreciate you so much! Thanks, too, for the reminder that we are a “whole package,” that everything we’ve experienced from the very first moment we arrived on Planet Earth until the current moment is part and parcel of who we are on this day. I know that we are hardest on ourselves and I also know that we all, each one of us, is doing the best we can today… and that includes me! Big hugs to you! ♡♡♡

      Reply
  • May 31, 2017 at 12:24 pm
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    Sometimes I think the core of my entire spiritual journey over the last 15-20 years could be distilled down to “them” telling me, in various ways, ranging from a whisper to a shout, “let go of the darn sides of the boat, already!” I haven’t been a great listener, it seems, since I’m still pretty attached to my plans B…a work in progress. But definitely not defective!

    Thanks, as always, for sharing the truth and beauty of your journey and who you are. I love you and you can always pull your leaky boat alongside mine, anytime. Who knows, maybe someday we’ll even jump in together and find we enjoy the swim!!!

    Reply
    • June 1, 2017 at 11:53 am
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      Ah yes, a swim in the water surrounding our boats… now wouldn’t that be a hoot!? I’ve done well to silence the very loud voices that have shouted negativities at me over the period of my life but when one of them starts to hammer away at the little place where can fear reside, well, I’ve been known to climb right into the fray with it. And this is exactly what’s happened this past few days. I appreciate you! I’m looking forward to the next time I can row my creaky leaky boat next to yours 😀

      Reply
  • May 31, 2017 at 3:01 pm
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    I love what Silvianne said above, and I second that!!
    You have so many people keeping that leaky boat afloat with hugs, support and just being there.
    Take one day at a time. ♡ much love and see u soon!!

    Reply
    • June 1, 2017 at 11:54 am
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      Thank you so much, Debbie! I am blessed to call so many warm, caring, kind-hearted, generous people my friends ♡ and that means you, too! Hugs to you! I feel a trip to the coast coming on soon!

      Reply
      • June 1, 2017 at 12:05 pm
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        Your own room awaits 😉

        Reply
        • June 1, 2017 at 4:54 pm
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          Aren’t you sweet! Yes, you are! 😀

          Reply
  • June 1, 2017 at 9:33 am
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    I agree with “this too shall pass”, but it is hard to remember when anxiety strikes. I just keep telling myself- breath!!! It is impossible to live yesterday over again. It is gone and whatever decisions we made then were based on what we knew and experienced to that point. Lately I have been thinking about my daughter who can only focus on the mistake she thinks I made. She doesn’t remember all the good things I did for her over 30 + years. My answer to that is- that’s her problem!

    Reply
    • June 1, 2017 at 12:05 pm
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      Hi Barbara! Most days I concentrate on not focusing on the things that others have done or not done. On Mother’s Day, however, everything rolled up into a giant ball all at once (my mom’s recent death, all the families celebrating around me, not talking to my son) and rolled right over me. I felt flattened by the intense emotions that I’ve never felt before in relationship to this situation that I’ve never been in before. Then of course, once fear gets going, it drags all kinds of crap along with it and pretty soon, I was sidelined completely. I’m pretty happy that it’s dissipating! Maybe this ol’ writing thing – and being surrounded by the people who care about me – is working! Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment! Hugs to you!

      Reply
  • June 1, 2017 at 9:44 am
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    Hey Lois,
    I know we don’t have much in common. But if you need a room, Stan is leaving to go on road in few weeks. I’ll be giving notice too. But would stay longer if you need the space. Just half rent, no utilities.
    Sudan

    Reply
    • June 1, 2017 at 12:06 pm
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      Hi Susan! Thanks for the offer – I appreciate it! Hugs to you!

      Reply

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