I’ve always thought that I’ve been operating under the belief that what I put out there will come back to me.
I’ve spent many years helping others out, only to find no one there when I need help.
I’ve invested in many a hopeful “scheme” only to find that no one is there when I want and need investors in my own hopefulness.
I’ve thought that helping out others would mean that others would help me out, and truthfully, I’m not sure where the train came off the tracks. Was it the choice of places to invest that went wrong? Was it the people I chose to invest in that were and/or are sketchy? I really don’t know. I really don’t know.
Having said that, is it that I was investing in people and their ideas instead of investing in myself and my ideas? Did I lose myself along the way? Have I ever known who I was? Have I ever spent the time to figure it out? I’m not sure about that, either, because I thought I had. So what is it that keeps me feeling locked in place, locked in a space that is not me and not for me? Is it a reality that time and money is not real, that it’s really just energy and that the energy is focused elsewhere? Is it that I’m expending energy in a place that isn’t me?
If so, how do I get re-focused, re-directed, re-something so that I am following who I am and what I’m doing here? How do I re-do years and years of misdirected actions that I now feel have been a waste of my time, money, energy, actions, possessions, and whatever else I have wasted along the way?
That last question brings up another: is it really wasted?
Was I supposed to be stingy back when I was making money and not share what I had with others so that I could have more money now? Is that what I missed? Should I have not bought dinners out, not paid for vacations, not bought household items, not bailed out friends and family, not been generous in helping out tsunami/hurricane/earthquake/fire victims? I’m just not getting it.
I feel like the universe has strung me out to dry, penniless, broke, broken, with health issues I can’t resolve, without friends and family. I feel like I have completely lost the game.