Every once in awhile, I have a morning where I wake up with a feeling of dread, a feeling that things are always going to be as messed up as they are right now, a feeling that life has passed me by and I’m never going to do the things I want to do, a feeling that it would be better if I just sat down and quit.
Today is one of those days.
Note that I say “is one of those days.” It’s still morning. The feelings are still here as I write this.
I’m a fairly upbeat kind of person. I always have been. Most stuff just rolls off me like water on a duck’s back. But every now and then, the raging realities of being old and sick, and being unemployed and uninsured, come roaring back into my brain and threaten to take up permanent residence.
I know what to do. It’s what I do when these feelings aren’t in my conscious consciousness. I focus on the positive. I list all the great stuff gong on in my life. I ignore the physical symptoms of a body gone to hell. I get out and walk. I brush Dinah Dog. I listen to the birds singing. I eat something good for me. I talk to a neighbor horse. I pet the neighbors’ cats. I drink a cup of my favorite tea. And I write.
So today’s post is part of that last item – being a stream of consciousness blog does have its advantages, you know. If you’ve read my blog for very long, or have checked back in the archives, you know that I have some significant health issues and that my living situation is “challenging,” to say the least. Most days, I make light of the seriousness of what my life has become because that’s just me and I have chosen to focus on the cool and fun parts of losing everything and having nothing left. Every now and then, though, the dark side threatens to overtake me, and once again, I begin the conscious process, the active pursuit of focusing on the light, the love, the joy, the happiness, the friendship of life itself.
And once again, I’m back in the pink. Back in the light. Back in the energy of joy and happiness. Back in the possibilities. Back to a sunny day. Or at least, headed that direction, and that's what really matters.
Fortunately, the glimpse into the darkness never lasts very long. And for that, I’m grateful.
Thank you for participating in my stream of consciousness today. Now I’m off to give some carrots to the horses next door.
Tomorrow’s another day.