Every once in awhile, I have a morning where I wake up with a feeling of dread, a feeling that things are always going to be as messed up as they are right now, a feeling that life has passed me by and I’m never going to do the things I want to do, a feeling that it would be better if I just sat down and quit.
Today is one of those days.
Note that I say “is one of those days.” It’s still morning. The feelings are still here as I write this.
I’m a fairly upbeat kind of person. I always have been. Most stuff just rolls off me like water on a duck’s back. But every now and then, the raging realities of being old and sick, and being unemployed and uninsured, come roaring back into my brain and threaten to take up permanent residence.
I know what to do. It’s what I do when these feelings aren’t in my conscious consciousness. I focus on the positive. I list all the great stuff gong on in my life. I ignore the physical symptoms of a body gone to hell. I get out and walk. I brush Dinah Dog. I listen to the birds singing. I eat something good for me. I talk to a neighbor horse. I pet the neighbors’ cats. I drink a cup of my favorite tea. And I write.
So today’s post is part of that last item – being a stream of consciousness blog does have its advantages, you know. If you’ve read my blog for very long, or have checked back in the archives, you know that I have some significant health issues and that my living situation is “challenging,” to say the least. Most days, I make light of the seriousness of what my life has become because that’s just me and I have chosen to focus on the cool and fun parts of losing everything and having nothing left. Every now and then, though, the dark side threatens to overtake me, and once again, I begin the conscious process, the active pursuit of focusing on the light, the love, the joy, the happiness, the friendship of life itself.
And once again, I’m back in the pink. Back in the light. Back in the energy of joy and happiness. Back in the possibilities. Back to a sunny day. Or at least, headed that direction, and that's what really matters.
Fortunately, the glimpse into the darkness never lasts very long. And for that, I’m grateful.
Thank you for participating in my stream of consciousness today. Now I’m off to give some carrots to the horses next door.
Tomorrow’s another day.
let me be the first to tell you, that A….(we are NOT old)…Ok, so I have the same issues, so at least B…you are not alone.
and you are not alone even tho you feel like it, you have lots and lots of friends! Thank goodness you have pollyanna complex (like me!) So I make a conscious effort everyday to play the glad game, of course there are days when that just doesn't happen.
I hate the fact that we have these stupid aches and pains. Im proud of you that you get out and walk. I'm hoping that now that Im back in my Zen state that I can turn around the 11 years of negativity I felt living in So Cal.
So sympathy here from me. I messed up my knee last week at my sisters, before we left for Oregon. I have an Orthopedic doctor visit today to see If I tore something. Just AS my stupidk torn hamstring was getting better, I do this on the same leg. (Oh Lois, I'm highjacking YOUR blog, Im sorry) Its not about me…its about how wonderful you are, and I'm so grateful I found you, rather late in life, but that is ok.
take care sweety.
love Deb
Debbie, how can I tell you that you didn’t highjack my post? That your story is just as important as mine? That knowing we are not alone is what makes us get up each day and go again? That each new day is a new day and that we can start over any day at any time that isn’t going the way we’d like it to? That connecting with you after all these decades has been a joy in my life? I’m so happy we know each other and have made a friendship out of the time we have left, however long or short it is.
Thank you for your kind words, my friend. I look forward to seeing you soon!
I am 33 years old and I have that same feeling of dread. I think its the fact that you/me/we still get up and do something creative and fun… that's what really matters. I am just now beginning to understand the really special things don't have to be grand undertakings.
Nicholas, I am so glad that you and I are family together. Having you nearby has been a delight and a comfort to not only me, but to Mark as well, and for that, I’m grateful. More than I could ever say. It makes these days of “feeling off” seem so much lighter, knowing that others out there have the same feelings every now and then. Just doin’ the stuff, man…. that’s what it’s all about!
Hey Lois, I have this discussion among my friends quite often. How is it that our normally sunny and positive outlook can be hijacked at times. It happens to all of us, in all kinds of circumstances. One of my favourite lines is that "life is 5% about circumstances and 95% about attitude". It's not about how you woke up today or where you've found yourself in life; it's about how you used your lemons to make lemonade. I think you're pretty good at that. When you feel old, look around at older folks. When you feel alone, think of those shut ins who are unable to reach out at all. When you think of your health issues, sit in the lobby of a children's hospital. No matter where we are in life, there is always something to be grateful for.
I think you do wonderfully well. Your positive outlook is a bit of warm sunshine that you spread across your days in spite of all the reasons you could find to complain. Congratulate yourself for your choices!! Know you are appreciated and you lift others with your enthusiasm for the little things in life. When you get too focused on the future, look back to see how far you've come. Be confident that you've managed well thus far the hand you've been dealt; there is no evidence that you won't manage again tomorrow.
Take care. Tomorrow will be a new day, a new start, a new outlook on the same life.
Marilyn
Ah, Marilyn… my friend, my buddy, my partner in all things life-changing. You know better than anyone else I know just what it is to face the challenges of a life turned upside down and to keep on moving forward. I appreciate you more than you know. Your words are so right on and warm my soul.
You nailed it, too – it’s only when I find myself thinking about the future that I get wound up in the dregs of the crap going on, and since I’m now fairly competent in staying in the moment during the day, it’s when I allow my mind to work without me in that last little bit of sleep that I wake up with this feeling of “what the hell” !!
Thank you, my friend!
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling..but I totally get it. Having challenges can get ya down. Love that writing is the vehicle you choose to help you deal with things, let them go and, or put life into perspective.
Thank you for visiting my blog, Walker. I’ve enjoyed reading yours and I appreciate your words. I’m so grateful that I’m able to start my day over at any point during the day and do the work I need to do to get rid of the feelings that don’t serve me well. Fortunately, the crap doesn’t stick around very long these days and I was back in the pink by very early afternoon. All I can say to that is Yay!
I love that picture of the clouds and the moon in a blue sky!
Thank you, Annette! I love cloud pics and the moon was a great bonus. Thanks for stopping by and commenting!